There are so many challenges that come along with being a single parent, but one of the most difficult, is truly enjoying time with your children when there are so many other areas of chaos around you. Yet, while it is one of the most difficult, it is also one of the most important areas to focus on for you and your children.
Studies have shown that divorce is not a traumatic event for children to live through, but that the aftermath, what you do once the divorce has occurred, is truly what impacts our children most. And if your accomplishments lie on the fact that you are surviving each day and getting each child safely into bed at night, you may begin to pat your back...but just a little. It is a good start, but it only touches on the surface of what creates a well-adjusted child of divorce.
The real challenge is being able to table all of the other challenging areas for the moment, long enough to really engage with your children. It's about learning to focus on this moment, as if it is truly the one moment you have. Focus on each detail around you as if it will never again be this way, as if it is the golden moment.
But how? As single parents, we are faced with new careers, bills we are unfamiliar with, challenges that seem overwhelming, household chores and even finding a new circle of friends, so how do you find time to just enjoy your children? First of all, take a deep breath and a quiet space to clear your mind.
Tips to truly appreciating the moment with your child:
1 - Announce that you are going to stop everything else (no laundry, cleaning, phones, computers, etc.)
2 - Ask your child what he/she would like to do that would be fun (If you have a time restraint, make reasonable, but fun suggestions: play cards, get ice cream, play a board game).
3 - Be honest. Explain that you have been overwhelmed with your stuff, but really want to put that aside for right now. And then do it. Put the rest of your life on hold. It will still be waiting for you when you are ready.
4 - Look at your children as if seeing them for the first time. Notice your child's' eyes, how his/her face has changed, how tall they have gotten in the past few months.
5 - Start with a hug, with the intention of creating a connection that has been overlooked. No matter how old we get, we could always use a hug. Embrace how they feel in your arms, as you try to recall the first day you ever held your child.
6 - Acknowledge how patient they have been while you have been under duress. Surely they have also been waiting for you to have time to spend with them, and have been under stress themselves.
Now you are ready to truly enjoy what has been missing. Unconditional love.
You may be surprised to see that while you are enjoying whatever moment you've created together, the stress of other areas in your life will settle comfortably into a side pocket. Keep it there as long as you can and hold onto how it feels to have it there. Acknowledge aloud to your child how much you appreciate them and how much you have missed being in the moment with them.
And finally, take another deep breathe before leaving the moment and remember that at anytime, your child will gladly have you back and your "stuff" will surely be willing to wait for you. Remember that while the other stuff will wait, though, each moment your child has without you, will be missed. They will be waiting for you as well, but they will have grown, their needs will be different and you will have missed whatever it is that occurred.
Enjoy the moment. It is the only one you've got.
Lesley Geller is a Business Coach. She helps successful professionals exceed their expectations of growth. She works with small business owners, as well as individuals in large corporations looking to reach the next level. Lesley graduated from the University of Maryland is certified as a Coach through the Coach Training Alliance, which is recognized by the International Coach Federation. She is also a Freelance Writer and co-author of: 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. For more information about how to reach the potential you're capable of, visit her website at http://www.LesleyGeller.com or e-mail her at Lesley@LesleyGeller.com
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Dating Single Parents
As marriage break up is ever on the increase, the chances are that a lot of people end up in a dating single parent situation. Having a young child makes having a social life difficult in any circumstances. Being a lone parent makes it doubly hard. Even if you can find a regular, trustworthy babysitter, the potential date might back off at the sight of sticky powdered milk on your clothes.
It's best to be upfront in these circumstances. Don't spring a surprise when you're standing at the alter. There is a lot of pressure on everyone involved. It's like dating the child as well as dating single parent. The child may disapprove and be jealous of the new person in Mum or Dad's life. Some people try to win the child over by showering them with gifts. This rarely works and certainly doesn't offer a long term solution. Trust has to be built up and it takes hard work and time. The child must feel that they still come first, without giving in to their unreasonable demands.
Of course, sometimes it's two people in the same boat that come together. If you're lucky, the children from both parties will get on like a house on fire. Alternatively, they may end up strangling each other. No one said that dating single parent and offspring would be easy. This situation doesn't come with a simple step by step instruction manual. Patience is the keyword.
If it's a serious relationship developing, then any problems with children have to be addressed before living together or marriage is an option. Emphasize the fact that you're not trying to take the place of Mum and Dad but that you still demand to be shown courtesy. Finding common ground is vital. Try to share an activity together.
In the movie, About a Boy, Hugh Grant plays a man who discovers that his romantic opportunities are increased by pretending to be a single Dad. He decides that dating single parent scenarios will bring him great kudos. He gets his comeuppance of course. Being a single parent will probably attract and repel the opposite sex in equal measure. It does work a surprisingly high percentage of time. Stepparents and stepsiblings are the fastest growing group on the planet despite all the problems. Every sort of parent needs a well earned break now and then. Just don't ring the babysitter every five minutes. It really does spoil the mood.
It's best to be upfront in these circumstances. Don't spring a surprise when you're standing at the alter. There is a lot of pressure on everyone involved. It's like dating the child as well as dating single parent. The child may disapprove and be jealous of the new person in Mum or Dad's life. Some people try to win the child over by showering them with gifts. This rarely works and certainly doesn't offer a long term solution. Trust has to be built up and it takes hard work and time. The child must feel that they still come first, without giving in to their unreasonable demands.
Of course, sometimes it's two people in the same boat that come together. If you're lucky, the children from both parties will get on like a house on fire. Alternatively, they may end up strangling each other. No one said that dating single parent and offspring would be easy. This situation doesn't come with a simple step by step instruction manual. Patience is the keyword.
If it's a serious relationship developing, then any problems with children have to be addressed before living together or marriage is an option. Emphasize the fact that you're not trying to take the place of Mum and Dad but that you still demand to be shown courtesy. Finding common ground is vital. Try to share an activity together.
In the movie, About a Boy, Hugh Grant plays a man who discovers that his romantic opportunities are increased by pretending to be a single Dad. He decides that dating single parent scenarios will bring him great kudos. He gets his comeuppance of course. Being a single parent will probably attract and repel the opposite sex in equal measure. It does work a surprisingly high percentage of time. Stepparents and stepsiblings are the fastest growing group on the planet despite all the problems. Every sort of parent needs a well earned break now and then. Just don't ring the babysitter every five minutes. It really does spoil the mood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)